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Autobiography of a self-driving car in India

I was born in a factory in Shanghai and airdropped to India on the orders of a wealthy owner. I am proud of my shining skin, my powerful headlamps, my posh interiors, and of course my powerful eyes (cameras) and ears (ultra sound sensors and radars). I feel embarrassed to talk about my brain that is able to synthesise information from all these sources and makes split second decisions to enable safe and efficient transportation for my master. My master is a well-dressed man but portly and well-rounded and squeezes himself into the seat. I adjust my suspensions each time he sits so that I am on level. I must remind him to put on his seat belt every time since he is almost always on a phone call while entering the car and forgets the simplest of the acts to protect oneself.  The first day I took him out was a good experience. It was a holiday with not much traffic on the road. The destination he chose was a straight road to a posh club and back. Barring a few bumps on the road that s...
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Running in (for) one's life

 'Running' is a natural reaction built into all animals including humans. The emotions associated with this act vary whether one is running towards (fight) or away (flight) from the subject of interest or when 'running' itself becomes the subject of interest. For most average built men (physically and mentally), the reaction in case of an impending danger is one of flight ('l' included) and not fight.  'Running away' is probably a more apt description of this 'flight' reaction. However, in modern day's society, the necessity to run away from physical danger is far less than in the era of hunter-gatherers. More of than not, one 'runs away' figuratively- a concept aptly summarised by the word - 'escapism'.  When my wife repeatedly accused me of being an escapist and running away from taking decisions- I decided to 'run away' for a few minutes every day from home. During those minutes, I was my own boss- listening to my h...
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The driving gene and its mutations

The following is a work of fiction and any resemblance to drivers living, dead or yet to be born is purely coincidental.  In India, driving personality is believed to be genetic in origin and perhaps under the influence of heritable and acquired genetic mutations with some epi genetics also involved. In a large study (Lingamson Gopalangelo et al) of whole genome sequencing of a cross section of Indian drivers, the following mutations were identified.  1. The Auto Rikshaw driver mutation (ARDM): This is a dominant mutation with high degree of expression. The mutant protein subdues the impulses for legal driving. The affected persons get confused between road and foot path; red and green light; entry and no entry signs etc. At traffic junctions, they often stop on the extreme left in order to turn right. Signs like 'no entry', 'no right turn', 'no U turn' etc trigger an immediate message in their brain- ' Ignore and proceed '. They strive to get maximum ju...
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Vacation to 'down under'

I never understood why Australia is called 'Down under' as if north pole means top of the earth and south pole the bottom as we see in the models of globes displayed in schools. Australians should protest and model globes should be placed the other way around in Australia and they should call Norway and Canada as 'down under'. I somehow resent the unnecessary use of the words 'down and under'. Words like 'downtrodden' and 'underdog' immediately bring to mind 'injustice' and 'relative incapability'.  Corals of the reef- here we come. So saying we packed the sunscreen (reef safe), sunglasses, cap, swim suit (although I cannot swim) and shorts. We practiced some Australian accent. The cab driver in Brisbane asked us 'Did you come to Australia to- die (today)'. I blurted out that I have no such intention and wish to go back alive and kicking. Our trip to the reef started by a boat to the pontoon. According to the tour guide, t...
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Being a vegetarian

Who is a vegetarian?- If the definition is 'inclusive' such as 'anyone who eats vegetables'- then it applies to everybody and not just to 'rabbits' among us. Conventionally of course the term is more 'exclusive'- to indicate those who eat only vegetables. A more generous definition would include those who eat eggs and perhaps those who occasionally indulge in chicken/meat-eating on the sly. God has denied canines to 'Rabbits' but gave incisors in addition to canines to the carnivorous animals- apparently even the big cats need the incisors to scrape the meat off the bones. By virtue of possessing both incisors and canines, man is equipped to be a meat or a vegetable eater. So it it appears to be a matter of choice to stick to only vegetarian food- a rather personal choice. I was born in a traditional vegetarian family and stuck to vegetarianism throughout. I had of course many relations who on the sly or openly indulge in meat eating. I must say ...
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The odours of summer

For Chennai, the description of seasons is - hot, hotter and hottest. The so called winter lasts all of 2 months. But to experience what one may call the chill of the winter, one may need to drive at a good speed on a two wheeler at 5 am with half sleeves or no sleeves and no helmet. It is almost like 'Summer" is speaking to us and saying, 'I am the lord of Chennai seasons. I permit an occasional rain but definitely no cold'. Add to it the humidity that does not let the sweat evaporate and you have the perfect conditions for wet and smelly bodies. Have you travelled in the local train or bus or even the air conditioned metro train in summer? More than the heat and humidity it is the smell of sweat that overpowers you. Imagine a 5-footer standing next to a 6-footer who lifts his hand to hold onto the overhead rail and wearing half sleeve or no sleeve top. There is now a direct route from the sudoriferous glands of the axilla (scientific name for sweat glands of armpit) ...
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Watching the IPL matches from home

 IPL is back. For the next 2 months there is ample entertainment as long as one enjoys the game and is able to quickly mute the TV when the ads come on and unmute when the game is telecast. Watching the match from home has a lot of advantages. One can sit in the comfort of air conditioned environment; go to toilet any time without requesting people to give way; criticise any player or team without the worry of one's neighbour giving one a nasty look or worse till beat one up. But the most important advantage is that at any stage one can stop the play by the simple press of a button. One does not want to continue to watch when the home team is losing. In addition at crucial moments, it is easy to take an ostrich approach and not watch the match and return to the room after ensuring that the home team has indeed made it to home safely. During these times dinner is consumed in the living room by default- a luxury often denied by the disciplinarian spouse. However, not all is hunky dor...
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