Operation depilation (Getting a haircut)

 For most men, haircut is an essential ritual unless one has joined the 'Hippie cult'; is making an offering of his hair to a temple or is plain lazy. After a hair cut the 'decent mowed lawn look' lasts only for a few days and then the basic indiscipline in growth surfaces transforming the hair into a forest. If only the hair grows uniformly all over, the mowed lawn look will remain except that the boundaries are shifted a little further on to the forehead, ears and neck.

In my childhood the barber used to come home on Sundays. He will come on a Sunday of his convenience and so every male member in the family has a hair cut (whether one needs or not). The barber and his victims squat on the floor. He uses first a mechanical trimmer with squeeze handles. Once in a while the hair gets caught in the trimmer and gets yanked out leaving patches of hairless scalp. Our view of the happenings is through a broken hand held mirror (held by the victim). With the squatting position making the legs very uncomfortable we were waiting for the ordeal to be completed. The outcome of the haircut is a random chance- based on the barber's mood, how still we have been able to sit in the squatting position and how may more house visits he has to make. The next door neighbour's son is a bully and used to have  field day slapping us on the occiput and neck (devoid of the hair cover).

From there we graduated to a 'proper barber shop' where we sat in a chair and appreciated the proceedings through a wall mounted patchy mirror ( due to loss of silvering). The barber shop (especially on Sundays) is also a centre of social interaction in the colony. While we wait for ones turn, people discuss all subjects- latest movie, whom to vote in the next elections, illegal betting etc.

The apprentice: The barber had an apprentice (his nephew) whose training grounds are children unaccompanied by adults. One day the barber handed over the scissors and comb to his nephew and stepped out. I was thus a victim of unsupervised training. Along with the hair he snipped off bits of my ear and scalp. When the head barber returned, he took over to do a repair job. It went like the monkey- two cats and bread story. A little here- a little there and at conclusion, I resembled a porcupine with short quills. So much of my scalp was exposed that I started to feel the wind caressing my coverless scalp and also gave my neighbour bully a chance to practice neck slapping. 

Tonsuring: Have you ever seen anyone having their hair tonsured in a temple. Usually there is a long queue and the barbers are so busy that they do a rough cut- at the end of which the head looks as if temple steps were etched on it. They next have to visit a unofficial barber to get a clean shave. A freshly tonsured head is a play ground for adults- running a hand over it (especially if it is 2-3 days old) gives a peculiar feeling and a good surface to scratch an itchy area.

Having a haircut abroad: I was in the USA once and was waiting to have a haircut in a salon and noticed that all the magazines kept there were exploring various facets of female anatomy (mostly in birthday suit). A horror movie would have been better in the waiting room of a salon- makes the hair rise. I was in Singapore and went to a small barber shop in the remotest corner of a shopping mall managed by one elderly Chines woman. Our communication was mostly via sign language since I did not know Mandarin and she was not good at English (at least my accent was difficult for her to follow). I mimed to indicate that she cut only a little using the distance between my fingers to guide her. The snip- snip of the haircut put me to sleep and when I woke up, I had a 'Yule Brynner hair cut'. My miming apparently conveyed to her to leave a little hair only on my scalp.

When the Baldie goes for haircut: Have you ever noticed that the man with bald head spends maximum time in front of mirror, carefully arranging the few residual hairs on the bald pate as if they are the only possession in life that he has. When he goes for a haircut, I would assume the barber has to use special tools, a magnifier and skilful hands to trim the hair and not accidentally pull them out. I know of a 55 yr old man always immaculately dressed in suit with tie and a nice dark well trimmed and groomed hair. I found him one day in the barber shop where the barber was struggling with the special tools and magnifier and a well trimmed and groomed wig lay next to him.

Barber Vs hair stylists: Of late, you do not hear of barbers. Every one is a hair stylist. If you want a senior stylist you pay Rs 100 more. However if you ask for a junior stylist, there is none available- A clever ruse to make more money.

The hair cutting menu: Snip, snip, snip- will it be short, medium or long. (You better be clear whether it refers to residual hair or hair to be cut.) Snip, snip, snip- You want  a square or natural border for the hairline on neck. Snip, snip, snip- shall I use only scissors and comb or can I use hair trimmer.

The moment of truth: End of hair cut and 'voila' - the stylist keeps a mirror behind your head and you see its reflection in the mirror in front. It is like he is asking 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this the fairest cut of all'? But if the mirror says Hmmm! 50-50 then the barber gets no tip!

Some annoying movements in the hair salon:

• A back ground music that you especially do not like.
• You are trying to lift your head to see the TV screen in front of you and the barber keeps pushing your head down. Not for nothing is the adage- one must bend one's head to one's master, wife and the barber (not sure if it is a recognised adage; if not take it as mine).
• A hair stylist who smokes and then gives you a haircut.
• A hair stylist who keeps talking on phone while doing the haircut. This is worse than a taxi driver talking on phone while driving. A wrong snip in salon and one has to hide one's head for a week at least; while a wrong turn in the car- Don't worry, Lord Yama does not bother about hair style!
• A hair stylist who insists on colouring your white hair- these guys do not know the gracefulness of white hair.