The driving gene and its mutations

The following is a work of fiction and any resemblance to drivers living, dead or yet to be born is purely coincidental.

 In India, driving personality is believed to be genetic in origin and perhaps under the influence of heritable and acquired genetic mutations with some epi genetics also involved. In a large study of whole genome sequencing of a cross section of Indian drivers, the following mutations were identified.

1. The Auto Rikshaw driver mutation (ARDM): This is a dominant mutation with high degree of expression. The mutant protein subdues the impulses for legal driving. The affected persons get confused between road and foot path; red and green light; entry and no entry signs etc. At traffic junctions, they often stop on the extreme left in order to turn right. Signs like 'no entry', 'no right turn', 'no U turn' etc trigger an immediate message in their brain- 'Ignore and proceed'. They strive to get maximum juice out of the struggling engines of their three wheelers leading to high pitched sound made by the complaining engines reverberating as they weave their way between vehicles, people, animals and obstacles. Often the passengers are thrown into a state of catatonic shock from which they recover only after reaching the destination (if they reach in one piece). The narrowest path through which these mutant drivers can go will put to shame the Siberian tiger 'Vitaly' (of the Madagascar 3:Europe's most wanted film) who could fly through a small flaming loop.

2. The taxi driver mutation (TDM): The manifestations of this mutation have a lot of similarity to the ARDM described above but involves a different segment of the driving gene. The expression of this mutation however varies. A few affected individuals (in uniform and serving large hotels) have the weakest of the expression of this mutation and are seen to follow rules largely.

3. The Adolescent driver mutation (ADM): This is a dominant mutation affecting both genders. However while in males it is expressed while driving both two and four wheelers, in females the expression is mostly seen while driving two wheelers. There are some similarities with ARDM. There are certain aggravating factors identified among males with this mutation such as 1) Watching James Bond or similar movie 2) Driving with a girlfriend as pillion rider. The affected individuals believe that they have a 'licence to kill' with their vehicles. For most of them the concept of 'wrong side' does not exist. Everything is 'right' if it suits their convenience. One peculiar feature noted under the upregulated state (girlfriend as pillion rider) is the 'intermittent raising of the throttle of the engine while the vehicle is at rest near traffic junctions'- as if preparing for the kill.

4. The benumbed driver mutation (BDM): This mutation mostly affects drivers of delivery vehicles such as zomato, swiggy, milk, blinkit etc. They are mostly oblivious of anything except where they need to go- like a robot with a single programme. They often drive with mobile phone in one hand- either asking the customer for 'google location' or looking at the google maps. Since the mutation effectively converts them to robots, they follow where the google maps take them. They often drive on the middle of the road (easy to turn in any direction). If they lose their way, they stop in the middle of the road and call the customer for directions (oblivious of the gridlock around them). When they finally reach the destination, they press the calling bell of every body in the building except the customer. Thus, by eliminating one by one they arrive at the customer's apartment. 

5. The city bus driver mutation (CBDM): This mutation has the effect of enhancing the feeling of self importance (narcissistic tendency) in relation to ownership of the road. The driver feels that no body else should be on the road and if there are any, they should disappear at the sight of the bus or they will be made to disappear. They often question the validity of 'red light' in stopping a large vehicle like the bus. These lights according to them are for lesser mortals.

6. The heavy truck driver mutation (HTDM): The main expression of this mutation is evident on highways. The heavily laden truck that is the slowest vehicle  is driven on the fastest lane (right lane). Mutated drivers like to travel parallel to others with similar mutation. Hence one finds the entire highway with six lanes blocked by six heavy trucks labouring their way forwards literally holding their hands.

7. Some mutations are endemic in India and affect a large percentage of drivers irrespective of other mutations: 

    a) The Horn mutation (HM): This mutations builds affinity for the sound of the horn. The driver strongly believes in the motto - 'If there is a horn -use it'. This endemic mutation makes sounding the horn a ritualistic behaviour (across all religions). eg. starting a journey; completing a journey; near a traffic junction while waiting for lights to turn green (the frequency of honking increases with anticipation of red light turning green); when a vehicle ahead stops abruptly (usually accompanied by a silent or vocal curse). If the travel is unhindered (no traffic/ no junctions/ no pot holes), the honking is still done periodically presumably to keep the driver awake or to keep track of the time elapsed. At any social event such as 'gridlock' or 'traffic jam' a full orchestra is played with different horns playing at different decibel levels, ably supported by vocal renditions (shouting). 

    b) The Park where you wish mutation (PWYWM): This mutation makes one fully utilise the advantages of owning a vehicle. i.e park the vehicle right in front of the place one wants to be- be it in front of a gate, a shop, on the foot path etc. For these mutants, the world is a big parking lot. 

    c) The Railway crossing syndrome mutation (RCSM): This endemic mutation makes the people to line up on either side of the gates at a railway crossing occupying the entire width of the road- similar to two armies facing each other waiting with bated breath for the gates to open. The front line is occupied by two wheelers and the rear is brought up by larger vehicles. Once the gates are lifted up, the clash of the armies takes place on the railway tracks to find space to proceed forwards. (Theoretically the battle would be bloodier if another train were to cross before the mutants clear the track).

    d) The Who does not blink first mutation (WDNBFM): The manifestation of this mutation is evident in traffic round-abouts and at unregulated traffic junctions. The right of the way belongs to the one with the mutation who refuses to blink. The efficacy of this mutation is ably supported by sharpened reflexes for sudden acceleration and deceleration. 

    e) The Rules apply only to others mutation (RAOTOM): Last but not the least is this mutation that is prevalent in over 95% of the Indian population. However the expression varies. For a majority the manifestation is seen mainly when they are unobserved by the law (traffic police or cameras). For a group of elite mutants with high connections the manifestations are omnipresent. One should however differentiate between RAOTOM in elite mutants and the other mutations described above such as ARDM, TDM, ADM, BDM etc. While all of them break rules with impunity, people with the RAOTO mutation do it knowingly and deliberately while those with the other mutations (ARDM, TDM etc) do not register in their minds that they are breaking the rules.